You Can't Have Your Vegan Cake and Eat it Too

It's the "All Items Are Egg Free" sign above the pastry case that sparks my curiousity.

"Are any of these without milk, ghee or cream?"

"With milk?"

"No. Without any milk."

"No, sir."

"So they all have some milk in them? Doodh?"

"Doodh. No, no. This and this have no doodh."

"No milk."

"Yes, no milk."

"No cream or ghee."

"No. No."

"So, yes, no milk, cream or ghee. One hundred percent pure veg double plus?"

"Yes, yes."

I am giddy, albeit suspicious, at having found vegan cake (one chocolate, no less) right next door to the IndiCorps offices. I immediately implement a three-slice-per-day programme and tip off John, the sole, active vegan in my fellowship. He joins in a similarly indulgent dietary regimen after drilling the cashier and bakers at Rasranjan for his own peace of mind (and piece of cake).

"No, no. No milk. No cream."

"Ghee?"

"No. No ghee."

"Butter?"

"No butter."

"Nothing that comes from a cow?" John mimes a milking motion.

"No. No."

A Gujarati speaker is recruited who follows a similar line of questioning. Again the devil's food cake and butterscotch cheesecake (talk about a misnomer!) come up dairy free. Sometimes I will get two slices at once pushing the boundaries of gluttony. It's okay to indulge, I reason, in compensation for all the comforts of home I have given up, and besides it's vegan--anything vegan can only be semi-indulgent by definition!

A few days later another bakery is found within the Indicorps building itself that also features a couple of vegan delicacies. To my delight they are even moister and richer than Rasranjan's offerings. On my visit the following day I meet the Cafe Upper Crust's owner, an erstwhile pastry chef for the Taj Mahal, India's most hallowed hotel that rises impressively opposite the India Gate in Mumbai. He is a DeSouza of the Goa-via-Portugal, now-in-Ahmedabad, Christian variety. He confirms that the two cakes that I have previously identified are indeed vegan. I ooze approval. He quizzes me on my dietary choice and I give him the usual three-pronged patter: health, environment and ethics. He is politely amused, but clearly not sold. Silly kid, veganism is for rabbits. John and our Gujurati-speaking insider independently verify my new find.

The next day John and I approaching Indicorps for our daily internet fix and pass by Cafe Upper Crust. "Do you want a piece of cake?" says I.

"Is it really that easy?" says he. Easy? Seconds pass before I realize I have gotten my just desserts for engaging in continuous word play. We enter the swank AC eatery and the owner is leaning against the pastry display counter. I am feeling bold and ask if there are any additional vegan items on the day's menu.

"Just this one. No, wait a minute, it has cream. So does this one."

"So just these two are vegan?" I ask, pointing to the previously confirmed dairy-free desserts.

"They too will be having cream."

"You mean just today?"

"No, no. They always have cream."

"But I thought you said they were dairy-free," I protest meekly.

"Yes, but they will always be having the cream."

John turns bitterly to the cook behind the counter. "You told me twice that these didn't have any butter or cream." The cook smiles and rocks his head back and forth.

"These will always be having the cream."

Dumbfounded, we leave to head back to Rasranjan. It may not be as savory but at least we know it's vegan--or do we? John's cow-sense is tingling and he decides to engage the bakers at Rasranjan anew.

"Can you point to any dessert that has no milk, butter, cream, eggs or anything coming from an animal either dead or alive?"

"No, no sir. They will all be having cream."

Our sweet vegan dream world has been hobbled and readied for the meat market. Retroactive bulimic tactics will do nothing for cake seven layers deep in the alimentary canal.

"Even the ones that you previously indicated have no cream will be having cream?" I enquire in a tone that drips with sarcastic self-pity.

"They too will be having the cream."

Having milked our options dry we herd out of Rasranjan utterly defeated and cowed into submission. Yet, tomorrow will bring a new day and we will surely vegan again in our search for a dairy-free nirvana.