You've Been In India for Over a Year When...

• You talk about enmity, rather than animosity.
• You no longer shake or nod your head – you waggle.
• You boldly cross the street when traffic is coming from both directions and all places in between.
• You find it just fine, when someone says IN-tes-tine (rhyming with fine).
• You refuse to eat anything without mango pickle on the side.
• You show up, without apology, for a 9 o'clock meeting at 10:45.
• You know the difference between a googly and a leg break.
• You eschew toilet paper, even when available.
• You know that Big B approves of Little B going out with Ash, while Jaya would prefer he woo Rani.
• You keep the bathroom door closed even when unoccupied.
• You are able to tie a dhoti in ten seconds or less.
• You know the answer to 'Kaun Banega Crorepati?' is probably not you.
• You derisively flick your thumb off your front teeth to let someone know you aren't talking to them.
• You motion for someone to come hither with palm down.
• You impulsively laugh when a Sadarji appears on screen.
• You refer to people from Britain as Britishers, rather than British.
• You say something was 'too good' when it was 'very good.'
• You have tried every flavor of ice candy.
• You suck the insides of a massaged mango out a small incision made at the top of the fruit.
• You call Bombay, Mumbai; Calcutta, Kolkata; Madras, Chennai; and Bangalore, Bangalooroo.
• You know what you 'lakh' is 100,000.
• You feel hot at 40 degrees, not cold (it's centigrade, Baby).
• You tip the scales at less than 100, and it's not because of the weight you've lost (talkin' kilos, Baby).
• You can bangra, garba and dandiya until the sun comes up and the cows come home.
• You know Krack cream is for your soles and not your nose.
• You feel that Rajiv Gandhi is predestined to become PM, just as John Jr. was to become President.
• You prefer Limca over Sprite, Maaza over Fanta, and Thums Up over Pepsi.
• You refer to a mosque as a masjid, and a temple as a mandir.
• You know that in Bharat 'Highly Inflammable' means exactly the same thing as 'Highly Flammable.'
• You feign to reach for a rock to scare off aggressive dogs.
• You have flown on Sahara, Jet, Spice and Kingfisher.
• You know that 'kuch daal mein kala hai' when you're offered a free taxi ride.
• You have held hands with a friend of the same sex without getting the heebie jeebies.
• You know all the titillating details behind the DPS, RK Puram scandal.
• You have ridden in a straw-filled bullock cart with a man whose ear hair can be tied secure beneath his chin.
• You know that Bipasha is a babe and John Abraham is a hunk.
• You always choose the upper berth on the train to avoid having passengers trod on you in the night.
• You complain about the meter being 'fast' in your auto rickshaw.
• You walk away from vendors to coax them into quoting the lowest price.
• You prefer to eat by hand off a banana leaf while sitting cross-legged on the ground.
• You have stepped in an elephant pie to avoid being flattened by a Tata truck.
• You can reproduce the inane jingle for Fair and Handsome skin creme.
• You have tried every flavor of Lay's potato chips including Magic Masala, Australian, Latino Salsa, Spanish Tomato Tango, Hot & Sweet Chilli Caribbean, Chaat Street Bindaas Bhel and Golguppa Style.
• You opt for the movie starring King Khan over King Kong.
• You kabadi, kabadi, kabadi in your sleep.
• You have shamelessly relieved yourself on the side of a public building on a well-travelled road.
• You know it's only a matter of time before Salman Khan kills someone, or at least threatens to do so over the phone.
• You have employed a scissors shot in carrom to best the diamond merchant from Surat.
• You know that it's a Hindu in Hindustan that speaks Hindi and not the other way around.
• You can determine whether a person is from Secunderabad or Hyderabad by their accent.
• You whistle the theme to 'Main Hoon Na' while riding a motorbike with five others.
• You know that nine times out of ten your Delhi rickshawala will be from Bihar.
• You have had Corn in a Cup and you want your thunder.
• You know the bewafaa in 'Bewafaa' is Kareena Kapoor, granddaughter of the one and only Raj.
• You have ridden a camel bareback and buck naked through the Rann of Kutchchh (well, at least in your dreams).
• You know Rani and Baps are from Bengal, Ash is from Mangalore, and Mallika from Haryana.
• You have been to the CID to file an FIR with the KBC-viewing SI who belongs to the BJP.

Those who have marked the passage of twelve full-moons whilst trekking the jasmine and pee-scented byways in the hallowed land of techies, thuggis, and Tamilians, are cordially invited to append to the list.